martes, septiembre 15, 2009

3 years of Enuma Elis @ Blogspot

This is already the 3rd aniversary of this blog, and for this time I will stop the usual comediant-inspiration of most of my posts to make an exercise of recovering old thoughts and more personal things.
10th September 2006, I remember those days quite well, I was preparing luggage and being excited about everything. I was thinking as well that it would be too hard for me to send mails telling everything to everyone and posting pics and so on… few days before I read an article in a magazine explaining the boom of the blogging and making a review about the most famous ones. My brain shone for a while and I thought that would be the best way everyone could follow me, and not just about that.. there would be also interaction between them and me and even just between them, knowing some are living far from each others.
Inicializando I
Inicializando II

That was the beginning of this blog: it was thought like a diary, or a place that my friends could everytime go to see if I had some new or some adventure. I was aware that it was being followed by many many people though I didn’t place a counter, but the many comments per day and mails can be a good prove.

With the developing of my time like international student in Estonia, I started to be more comfortable with this blog thing, and I started to place some more different posts about thoughts or music or nonsenses, always in my native galician, mostly cause I didn’t have always so many news.

While having my last months there, I started being asked by erasmus friends about my blog. I guess if they searched something in google about “erasmus tallinn 2006 2007” my page was in the first lines… So some of them and some of my estonian friends asked me to write something in english. I didn’t have so much time and will, to be sincere. Some posts were quite long and lots of times I wasn’t close to the computer. With my coming back to Vigo, I was thinking about that… “hmm if I did a blog explaining my life to people from Galicia in galician, because I was far and they couldn’t know my stories… maybe now they are not so interested and the will of knowing is now on the side of the ones who are right now far from me…
That way, I started making a post about my trip to Ankara in english language when I was about to leave Tallinn. I started having criticism from my friends in Spain, but I really thought english would be more international and everyone should know a bit. At least that way all would understand something and I could even keep on practising this language.
Later I took just english language as the one of the blog, but I realized my spanish friends didn’t like it at all, they stopped watching the page massively cause “english is saturation”. The others from erasmus and estonians and rest of the world stopped as well little by little, maybe cause my posts started to be more about my likes than my life, and as well I cannot post often in summers due I am in my hometown without internet.

I was thinking again, and my solution was that I would use both languages, galician for stuff that I guess just people from Galicia would like to read, and english for concert reviews and musical stuff mostly. This way I must have even less visits in general, but I decided that I wont be influenced again by others about that.

In relation with life… things have changed a lot in these 3 years. The relation with that finnish, Reetta, is over and buried forever. I have never seen such person like her and don’t want to have any kind of relation with that one. I've never wished bad things to anyone but with this one it happened that it is the first time in my life that I really wish she gets everything bad she was spreading in her life towards others and she gets back all the suffering she caused. The only person in my whole life that I can say I will never forgive. I am not the same one after that, and I became much more distrustful about people in general. I was even so sad and disappointed with myself about the stuff with this person that I used this blog to release me after my coming back from Tallinn, and my surprise and anger was higher when I knew about usual visits from Jyväskylä (thanks magical internet widgets), it pissed me off quite a lot. When knowing my erasmus friends were having frienship with her through other channels, it made me more disappointed, because they knew what she did (even not all) and how she made me feel. One day I told the ones who were supporting me in Tallinn when I had bad times because of that “person” and the ones who somehow knew about the situation I had, that they should choose between both, cause I didn’t feel anymore like I knew whom I could trust or not and they knew enough about what happened. Anyway, I explained quite thoroughly and avoiding telling more private stuff than the one they already knew about the reason of my decision in that letter. My surprise was quite high when just 2 about 12 answered me.
As I couldn’t guess that, I told that a not-answering is much worst than telling your friend thinks wrong (as a friend who cared would say) and that I started not to know many people there. Later answers were worst: “oh this is a soup opera, cool” by Nadine or “you are a facebook freak” by Ottavio (unbelievable and totally stupid meaningless :O I'm starting to make generalizations about italian guys, and I am not finding almost anything that proves the opositte I think right now about those... people). Anyway, my good ones didn’t answer even a word, not Eray, not Lars, not Luis, not Manu, not Marit (who later confirmed that she prefers being friend of her, even that she stayed at my home and shared stuff with her -blablabla empty words, meaningless support, meaningless friends, I see it clearer than ever-), and that disappointed me quite a lot (I’d need to say thanks from heart to Sirly and Petri). I told them good luck in life, but that having friends who don’t worry about you is like having nothing. So I just erased them from my life. I have them in that msn, but I stopped logging there by other reasons of tiredness. Anyway, I wont be the one who talks to them if I see them online. I dont see anymore either any visit from their countries to the root of this blog, so it confirms me that they are worrying for their own lives and stopped caring about friends from the past, otherwise they would send at least a mail or something to ask how I felt. Never in this 2 last years.
I just can see some visit from Chicago from another friend of that finnish, Hasan, seemed not a bad guy when I met him in Tallinn.

My bad times here joined that disappointment with this new one, and it happened something I couldn’t expect. People that werent erasmus, estonian ones that I shared most of my time in Spring-Summer, and people that I met on the way, like Gokçen, even people that I met later, like Evelin, were my main support. I will always be grateful to Gokçen and Evelin, really. I realized erasmus was just another world, and it is kind of what I think now. Many people there are just “living the day”, having “friends of the day”, or maybe “friends that I can visit later in their respective countries”. I don’t know, but my thinking about erasmus changed enough, though it doesn’t mean I change my opinion about that year, which was one of the best of my life, no doubt. But what I didn’t expect is that afterwards… there is few of that communication between those who shared almost one year. Just some few people showed me the opositte, and I hope I never lose contact in future… my favourite couple from Coimbra Joao & Mara, Thomas, Ewelina, Bocki, Yan, Rebecca…

As I said, my opinion changed about many of those who once were my support and I was their support in erasmus, and in the moment of erasing from my worries, I must say that it wasn’t that rough. I just did it. Didn’t feel pity, didn’t feel anything, it was like “not anymore worth to keep here”, I guess they have their lives and don’t worry too much anymore about past, or maybe they are just better friends with that one (even more amazing).
But my opinion didn’t change about the estonian ones. Right now I was just checking the myspace and facebook page of Janne, chat company many nights that she had to be working in the lobby of the Academic Hostel. I just know she left to Belgium because of a guy, but I have no clue about her, and I feel a bit sad cause she didn’t update any new from her life since a lot of time and didnt reply my greetings.

Time later I met Airi, and after knowing each other for enough time, she made me and still makes me to forget about all this bad stuff about “friends of the moment” and “mentally disturbed one from Finland & lovers”. And I wish she will go on...

I didn’t say anything about spanish friends cause I didn’t want to talk to them about that stuff. Little by little and time later I started telling tiny things, but I prefered to not to chat, maybe I should release a bit before.

Since that, life is getting better. When I arrived from Eesti, Vigo Univ. logged me automatically in the Erasmus help for newcomers in Vigo. And it was a great year, being tutor of a nice polish girl called Karolina. Last year, maybe because of all that stuff I was suffering and being disappointed, I didn’t want to help anyone or have relation with erasmus. Hopefully, Kaisa from Eesti told me that one friend was going to come here and if I could help him... Not my intention to come back to Erasmus Vigo life, but I couldn’t say no to meet another estonian and help him. Somehow I feel really linked to that country and with their people. And it was finally a great year. I really wouldn’t know what I’d do if Mark and Karolina (another student) werent here. I went out with them even more than with my local friends, that keep going to the fanciest places of Vigo, which I really don’t like at all. Those erasmus were much more alternative and they were eager to go to other kind of places, and like me, don’t like to spend time in queues, dressing elegant and paying expensive drinks.

Then, here comes this year, and I recovered from my little upset about international students, I logged again in the help and tomorrow.. hmm today already, my student is coming. Let’s see how this year is going on, but anyway, I feel better than previous times about that.. and I’d really like to meet again someone from Estonia (I know there is one per year coming to Vigo) so great as Mark. At the moment I already know 2 from this year: Florian from Germany and Kevin from USA, they seem pretty good people.

About life… winds of change are coming. Univ is getting finished, hope soon… and my brother is thinking about changing flat and being finally alone. I would like to make lots of trips after I finish, my friends are already saying that I must step off in Berlin, Poland.. all on the way to Estonia.. hmm I will see, I just know that my visit to Tallinn is a must. Later.. I really don’t know if I should start searching for job there.. who knows… life is unpredictable.

4 comentarios:

airi dijo...

...and she will go on ;)

Enlil dijo...

;) :D

Julia dijo...

Hola Diego! I've read your last English post and it made me very sad :(
Personally, I've changed also my opinion about Erasmus "friends" and I totally agree, that those were more or less "friends for the moment", but it is also because of the huge gaps and differences of people's cultures and the ways of living. Though I had the same feeling, when we had our Erasmus reunion this summer... Here in Estonia btw.
I feel a bit bad about myself, as I've missed out loads of moments in your life, since I came back to Estonia from Spain.
Please forgive me, mi amigo, I just had really bad year, full of problems and ongoing depression about my life in general...
Anyway, I hope you are well and things are sorting out for you!! Miss you! Please contact me if you are going to come to Estonia again!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Enlil dijo...

Hmm I am not so sure about the cultural gaps as the "cultural mind of being erasmus". Seems some people change too much when they are living in another country...
I'd really really like all them who I ment here and even more would read this post. I still have some in my msn and I wrote the link to this post to see if they are interested... but what I found is the same I have found since time ago: avoiding minds/easy forgeting brains.

I'd really like as well to have some answers or comments about all this that I wrote... but as we say in Spain: "el silencio otorga" (silence is assent) and I got used to this phrase since a lot of time with certain people that I see have no more a space in my life. Pity that they have space in my mind -even right now-, cause I have never been like that and never avoided a friend who asked me help or advices.
Temporary people (as one of them had written in the msn signature).