martes, octubre 02, 2007

Requiem for her, requiem for me

My soul bleeded again.
I promised myself not feeling hurted again, but I did. I swore it to myself, but I couldnt.
My stomach felt again those painful stigmas and my throat was dry.
My heart fell down into myself and my mind became ill again.
That was the last time really we talked.
And I feel weak, too weak.
She is someone that I don't know at all.
I have no words to describe the feeling of being with her, sharing all myself and giving all myself, think that I know her, for, afterwards she is telling me that my care meant nothing to her. I meant only one leaf that even doesnt deserve to be considered. Not even to become part of any past.
I was the toy in her hands, body without meaning, worthless mind.
But my pain is not for her this time. My pain is for me, but I dont know if I deserved it. Maybe.
And at this point I wondered myself.. what can my friendship mean to one other? Can distance separate so much for caring about someone?
What do my tryings of be someone in her life mean? I don't want to be part of her life, I don't want to care about her anymore.
Finally I got it. But.. then... when she tells past is wind, and I am not even worth for changing some future words... I wonder what did I do wrong? Am I that kind of meaninless being?
It's better for me that, without any doubt. She can only bring me pain, as she did for a lot of time, and until her last words. Moreover, she thought if I knew her more I could only end hating her.
I don't need more to hate her. I already hate her, I hate her for caring her, I hate her for making me feel bad to myself.
Disappointment is a small and reduced word to this. Not that fucking love disappointment. It's much more, it's disappointment of her soul, of her thoughts, of her acts... of me. I curse myself for that, for believing her, for trusting her, for attending her, for trying to find in her some good thing that I thought worth to not to lose at all.
I always try to find good things in people, even people that hurted me. This time I couldnt find.
She hasn't.
I failed.
I failed to me.
I need soul support, and gods know that I tried not to do it, but my soul bleeded again.
The worst thing is what I didn't want: I ended having bad feelings towards her, from today and ever. I have never wanted it, but now it's unavoidable. Finally they won to the good ones. And I feel sad and sorry about it, but I can't do anything to arrange it.
She even doesn't care about it.
She is even not sorry about it.
Good luck to the people who is near and will be near of her. I hope they are stronger than me.
She was the breath that made me feel alive... and this breath is sick. Why didn't I realize at time?
Gods also know that she is the kind of girl I would keep distance for sure. So why did I stayed in that mirror of limbo? and Why after I still had some feeling that I knew a little portion when it was the complete absence?
So many soul questions that never will have any answer...
I feel ashamed that I cared one person like her. I feel ashamed of myself.
Curse me for being so naive.

2 comentarios:

Roland dijo...

I miss you so much...

Anónimo dijo...

hola diego! son maría a de burela.Pois nada solo che escribia pa saludarte e pa decirche q é super entretido todo o que contas, q por certo, que generoso e canto traballo che debeu dar facelo. Teñoche que confersar que me sorprendeo e que me rin moito, describes situacións realmente graciosas e tb moi interesantes.menuda experiencia!bueno, nada máis,espero que estes ben e que leves o mellor que poidas o d estar en vigo, que a estas alturas xa estaras medio acostumbrado.e nada, que me poño a escribir e embalo... asi q eso, coidate e vemonos en navidades supoño, malo será. unha aperta.ah! e que cadeliña mais graciosa tes, parecese o meu can :)