Changing matters...

First of all, thanks to all for worrying about me and the last post. Now it’s much better.

I had all that inside me and it was growing and growing until I needed to take it out. Almost nobody knows or knew about that, so I see some of you were a bit surprised with the post. Well, and as I see a lot of people were asking me about that, I will tell the main things of that story. In short, I spent some time in Tallinn with that girl. Though we knew it would be something impossible, we shared more and more our time together.

She left to Finland, and after some time, for one day to another, she changed totally. She started to hurt me with her words, acts, she was too mean to me… as I was shocked about that.. I didn’t know how to react… my natural reaction was trying to understand her and go on caring and worrying for her… even hurting me each time I talked to her.

Then she showed to me how was her truly inside. She was behaving totally different as she did all the time with me in Tallinn. She told me a lot of mean things and I saw her egoistic and amazingly cold heart and mind. At the beginning, when she left I was truly sad for her leaving and for not being near of her… afterwards… I was even more sorrowful because of me. I always thought I would share my time with someone worth of it. I started to feel ashamed that I shared my time with someone that was hidding herself and that gave me a totally fake impression about herself. I felt ashamed, and I will ever feel that I couldn’t realize of that. And until her last words… my dissapointment to me was growing and growing.

Of course, in life we are meeting all kind of people, different, happy, friendly, cold, stupid, shy, amazing, lovely, passionate, emotional, sad, strong, with need of care…

But I always thought I would choose well for sharing my time as I did. That’s the reason I felt so bad. I found her true personality too late… if I knew before about that, for sure I wouldn’t spend any time, I would keep distance… she was a pretty girl that could choose almost everyone to have her fun, but she had chosen me, I still don’t know why, and she made me to give my care to her, that doesn’t deserved at all that. I feel guilty to myself. I don’t want to tell more things about her… cause maybe it could seem like I have lots of things against her. The main thing I have against her is that I was too blind to see what kind of person I had near of me. She didn’t show herself in that time. She did it later and I don’t like at all this personality.

Why do I know we will never see again?

She told me that.

Yeh. First I said to her that, cause I felt so disappointed to me and about her. But later the only thing I wanted was that she had my pardon, and also not to lose contact at all. Of course we couldn’t talk as before, but she was the girl I cared more… I didn’t want to lose forever that. But she wasn’t worried about my pardon, and she wasn’t too worried about losing me forever. So at the end I finished thinking that she felt bad towards herself when she was thinking about me… so for her the easiest way to stop it was to say to me that we would never be again friends and neither talk. That thing was enough for me to explode. It’s too much for my understanding that… and I will never understand her way of being (for example, how can she think about.. how would be the next one? Maybe better than the current one(s) ? This is an awful thinking…, or things like if she is not near of her friends or the people she cared, she will forget all... just amazing… ).

Now I feel much better, and the only thing I would like is not to see her again, but I will feel always ashamed of myself when I think about her. I always thought, I would realized and know the person before caring so much as I did. I’ve learnt the lesson now. I think I am worst person since this story... or at least I am more distrustful to people…

I am sorry that I have been away for a while, I was doing some school stuff these days… and also I have some.. problems with internet… I have it not so often as I would like… I hope all will end in few time with the instalation of the Wireless. Then I will put those 2 long posts I have in my mind.

One good new for the metalheads… let’s apply for that!!